Often, I can't leave my house.
It's not all of the time, but I'd say it's a solid 90% of the time. In the morning, I'll write a list of things that we need from the grocery store and/or errands that I need to run. I'll take a shower and get ready to go outside. Sometimes I even start the car and put on my coat. But then, I just don't leave. I convince myself that whatever we need from the store can just wait until tomorrow and downplay the importance of any other errands I'd planned. I take off my coat, take off my jeans, put on my lounge pants and...I just don't go. When tomorrow comes, there is a pretty good chance that the whole scenario will be repeated. I text my husband asking him to pick up the few absolute necessities on his way home from work. This annoys him, I know., especially since more days than not, I also just don't make dinner. I PLAN dinner, I may even defrost something and look up a new recipe, but when the time comes to begin cooking... I just don't. So he is also tasked with either picking up dinner or opting to just eat cereal for dinner. Again. He'll say things like "Didn't you go to the store today?" or "What did you do today?" (when it's clear I did nothing all day). These questions immediately put me on the defensive. I mean, what am I? The maid? But in truth, I don't know WHY I didn't go to the store. I don't know WHAT I did all day, or WHY I took chicken out but did not cook it. Driving the few miles to the grocery store, loading each item into the cart, walking the length of the store, unloading the items from the cart at checkout, loading the bags into the car, and then out of the car and into the house and then having to put them all a way...it's all just too overwhelming. Just the thought of doing it is enough to induce anxiety. So instead...I just don't. I stay home and spend hours doing inconsequential things, as though they are of utmost importance, because I seem to be losing my grip on the ability to do the things that are important. I'm not talking about the times that I don't do things for valid reasons (which can include anything from MS pain & spasticity, fatigue, vision issues- to I just don't want to do them). I actually WANT to go out, but for some reason, I just...can't. It's starting to scare me. L
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I'll be 40-years old next week. I'm not sure how this happened...I'm fairly certain that I was 20-years old just last week. The moment I graduated from high school, I entered some sort of time warp situation, causing each year of my life to pass by within the span of a normal time month. What is exceptionally disconcerting is that, within this time warp, the days have slowed way down even as the years have been stuck in fast forward.
Deep thoughts; brought to you by Laurie. Last week I went for updated cognitive testing, so we can compare it to the testing I had done a couple of years ago, you know, to see if the additional scars that have found their way onto my brain in that time are messing with my smarts. I don't know if you've ever had this testing done, but it's just a barrel of fun. Two+ hours of trying to remember every word of a story that the tester tells you so that you can repeat it back, memorizing a series of objects so that you can replicate them yourself, and doing a bunch of other strange and seemingly random activities. But FIRST, they get all up in your business. If you know me at all, you know that I am not a fan of discussing my personal business with anyone, let alone strangers, doctor or not. I don't really think that it's any of their business. So before I'm made to feel like a complete idiot during the test, I get to be violated by personal questions, ensuring I'm good and grumpy and uncomfortable for the smarts testing portion of the visit. -If at this point you are saying to yourself "She blasts her business out on the interwebz, AND she talks about her life to people behind her in line at the grocery store! What does she mean she doesn't like discussing her personal business?!?~ Then you and I just have a different definition of "personal". I have no idea how I fared. I was told that my neurologist will get a summary within about a week, but the full report will take as long as a month. I'm still not on any disease modifying therapy because the FDA is nit-picking the packaging of the drug that I need to start. They do not question the safety. They do not question the efficacy. They are delaying the approval of this life changing medication because of PACKAGING. Awesome. Cheers, L |